Picture yourself strolling through the endless maze of Ikea to find that one piece of furniture that you fall in love with, then you realize when you get home and open the package you’re left with 300 pieces, one tool and instructions with no words and vague pictures. Once you hit that complete feeling of despair that you’ll never actually get this piece to look like it did in the store, then you’ll know what it’s like to date in today’s dating scene.
Yeah I know most people are thinking, “What does furniture have to do with dating?” so let me break it down for you. This is a metaphor and Ikea is the dating pool, the furniture is your ideal person and the disappointment is not actually being able to normally converse with someone you’re interested in. I mean think about it when’s the last time you didn’t overthink every move you made when talking to someone you’re interested in. I mean…
Absolutely. Every. Move.
Before anyone goes on and makes this about one gender…STOP! Because it’s not. Everyone is complacent in this problem and no one is rushing to stop it.
There is a method to this madness that we’ve created and it comes with rules. Here are 10 rules to trying to make it work in “New Generation Dating”:
- “Dating Sites” (AKA…. Not Dating Sites) – Tinder, Don’t super like, it’s weird. Guys are always swiping right and girls are always swiping left anyways so let’s just stop. Bumble is just like window-shopping, look but no touching. Let’s get serious a girl needs more than 24 hours to decide what she’s going to wear, do you think she’s going to be able to decide if she wants to talk to you in less than 24 hours? NEXT.
- Catch Flights, not Feelings – Let’s be real I’m too broke to catch either of those. Don’t talk about feelings, they’re awkward neither of you really want to talk about you just want to co-exist until one of you does something bad enough to warrant an explosive argument or a poorly planned “Ghosting.”
- “So when do you want to hang?” LOL…Never. Bye. – You can only hang out at night to avoid any miscommunication that you are looking for more than a hook up; conversation must start with “u up?”
- “Oh Hey! Didn’t see you there” (AKA “Why hasn’t he/she said hi yet?”) – If you do end up at the same place together make sure you avoid each other, no eye contact BUT any conversation must be through interpretation of sign language so make sure you look when they’re not looking and accidently rub up next to them as if you’re just trying to get through the crowd…
- GET IT WHILE IT’S HOT: All Inclusive, No Exclusivity required! – You’re expected to do all and everything as seen online but loyalty is null on weekends, that being said please feel free to smash whomever you please through hours of Friday at 5 p.m. to Sunday at 12 p.m.
- Anti-Social Media – DO NOT open dms or snapchats for a minimum of 30 minutes of receiving them, this also applies to watching snap or Instagram stories. Respond with minimal words (four words max) to let the other person know you have other things to do. Not like you weren’t already on your phone scrolling through Instagram for the millionth time today.
- New Phone, Who dis? – No Texting…Texting is weird. Communication is strictly via snapchat or any social media dms only.
- Social butterflies have more fun – Be super flirty…to everyone, all friends, brothers/sisters, teammates, etc. Nobody is off limits. This not only shows them you’re following the rules but BONUS, if they leave with someone else you have plenty of options to rebound and regret in the morning.
- “Do you need some water? You’re looking thirsty” – Play it cool and hard to get… All while making sure you don’t oversell it and watch them go home with someone else.
- Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous – Never hang out sober… This is grounds for immediate disinterest from both parties.
You just want to be cool and hang with the cool kids who don’t have feelings and instead they have a handle of peach Karkov in one hand and a whole weekend to make poor decisions. This is how most college students spend their weekends, and then the week is filled with catching up with the stuff they should’ve been doing and re-evaluating life decisions… just to make those same decisions the next weekend anyways.
I think we agree that it’s fun now to have zero responsibilities and commitments, but when are we going to stop? If we keep this up then there’s going to be a generation of people walking the streets with their heads down, hearts broken, avoiding all communication with other humans because they’re afraid to break these rules or they’re just too afraid to feel.
Be bold, go out there and tell the world how you feel because that’s exactly what makes you who you are. You have been given this innate ability to feel and to express it so why are we trying to hide it? It doesn’t make you uncool to feel, what does make you uncool is embarrassing someone who had the courage to put their feelings out there. If that is you, you’re a dick, Stop that. You’re not cool and I don’t like it.
I shouldn’t need to feel like I have to tell people this, because we all collectively “Aww” at old pictures and stories of our parents and grandparents and the way they wooed each other back in the day. So if we’re so in love with that idea,
WHY AREN’T WE DEMANDING THIS?
We have the choice to ask for more but we’re lying down and letting it happen, we’re letting love die because we’re getting minimal attention from an emotionally stunted man/woman-child.
Does this sound ridiculous yet? If it doesn’t then maybe you’re a part of this problem.
So that being said, here is my new set of rules for “Dating the right way, because you deserve it”:
- Invest yourself – I know 70 percent of you are business majors so investing isn’t a new concept. Invest your time and effort in worthwhile people and you’ll discover what makes you really happy
- Happy Boy and Happy Girls can be…. –Okay, that’s a song by Aqua, but the idea is the same. Find people that make you happy, the true smiling ear-to-ear and laughing uncontrollably happy and HANG ON TO THEM, these are the most important people in life.
- It got lost in translation, Communication is key – This should occur ANYWHERE except social media and dms. In person is best but maybe a facetime call or a text… yes texting is indeed NOT weird. Also, this is a good time to talk about how you feel because you don’t want to waste time on people who aren’t going to make you a happy girl/boy.
- “These hoes ain’t loyal”… But they can be – Loyalty is so rare but it doesn’t have to be, you can commit yourself to one person and for someone to tell you otherwise is lying. If you want anything bad enough you’ll strive the greatness.
- You just want attention – Who doesn’t? Don’t think that giving someone you appreciate the attention they deserve isn’t “cool.” It’s the greatest use of your time because you’re making someone that matter to you the happiest they can be because for once in this god damn “New Generation Dating” world, they are being shown that they are worthy of someone’s attention
- My Momma don’t like you and she likes everyone – If you get the privilege of meeting Mom then understand that time, effort, communication, loyalty and attention has been given to you so if you can’t reciprocate these simple five rules, Mom will know and she will send you packing.
Okay, enough rules. Just go out there and live your best life and if you’re stuck in the rut of “New Generation Dating” just know that they only way to get out is if you truly want to. Be the trailblazer and find your way back to reality.